My Email Archive

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1. Take a well-deserved break from Tony Patti email nonsense to celebrate Thanksgiving!
   "He didn't send a dang email this week, did he?" "Of course he did! He has no life!" "Remember when he wasn't so pathetic?" "Yeah-- wait! Not really!"
2. Tony Patti's constant cries for your replies reaches a fever pitch of insistence in the face of your cold indifference!
   Those of you who have replied will react with instant annoyance, those of you who who haven't will only feel cruel satisfaction, the rest will delete!
3. You'll never get back the hundreds of minutes you spent reading these damned Tony Patti emails, and neither shall I!
   Minutes pass, time dwindles, extinction looms, the world collapses, efforts misspent, remedies fail, good intentions wasted, procrastination wins!
4. 64 summers have come and gone, yet your friend Tony Patti still thinks he has something worthwhile to say!
   I'm not saying whatever I got to say is worthwhile as long as I can get away with spewing worthless words in random order instead!
5. "Ya know what I think?" "Whut?" "These Tony Patti emails are nothing but thinly-disguised poetry!" "What now?" "Poetry!" "Sheeee-it!"
   I think that I shall never see/A poem as lovely as a pucker-thumping old Tony Patti email full of lame wisecracks and semi-pornographic pictures!
6. The Tony Patti email of the week comes back better than ever and raring to go, daring you to delete it before you even read it!
   You see the subject line and think, "Comes back? From WHAT? Alls I ever do every week is delete and delete, and I ain't never had a break from it!"
7. No greater email shall ever come to plague your cluttered inbox than Tony Patti's triumphant screed!
   Somewhere down in your inbox among an endless list of marketing scams, junk, chain letters, spurious warnings, licentious spam and suchlike crap you'll find me!
8. The greatest Tony Patti e-mail of all time that seems exactly like every other email you've had to delete!
   Sniff! Smells like the same old email! Lick! Tastes like the same old email! Stomp! Smashes like the same old email! Why, it IS the same old email!
9. Did you hear the one about the Tony Patti email that got deleted? No! Yeah, they just kept scrolling until the universe ended! Really!
   All that scrolling totally destroyed the entire universe and reduced all of reality to chaotic fragments of electromagnetic vibrations or something!
10. Desperately cling to the memories of long ago Tony Patti e-mails of the past as you swiftly delete this one!
    Wallow in neurotic nostalgia for the e-mails your old pal once crafted with great care and a discerning eye as you sadly delete this disappointment!
11. Now comes the inexorable grind of deleting yet another soul-destroying Tony Patti howl via the e-mail abyss!
    I've seen the e-mail abyss, friends, and let me tell you, it is not pretty, not like the dear old e-mail abysses of yesteryear, when we was young!
12. Hic labor, hoc opus est, or as your buddy Tony Patti says it, this is the work, this is the e-mail!
    Just ask my college-girl daughter Tess about any Latin or (god forbid) Greek quotations that may find their way into the e-mail this week!
13. The one Tony Patti e-mail you'll ever see without some bizarre, twisted subject line this week!
    The readers have spoken, and they have all come out against purple prose smeared all over their tidy inboxes, because obscurantism is for the birds!
14. A rare lapse into mere topical commentary makes this Tony Patti e-mail destined for deletion!
    Personal musings on major life events make this e-mail the one you'll most likely delete without even so much as a withering glance of disdain!
15. Tony Patti e-mail mind control campaign wildly successful, my hordes of brainwashed minions all say!
    Repeat after me: I am not the brainwashed minion of an email, I am not being controlled by voiceless images selected by a mad half-blind genius!
16. Tony Patti reimagines his dumb e-mail as something more fresh and compelling, like Lifestyle advice!
    With quizzes, games, trivia, gossip, Hollywood stars, listicles, slideshows, pop-up video boxes that get bigger when you try to click the tiny X, etc!
17. What further proof do you ask of the love of Tony Patti who sends you emails and replies to your thoughtful replies!
    Perhaps you require further proof of my lifelong affections, challenge my sincerity, tarnish my good name, and cast doubt upon me!
18. "In Amidst," the new Bix Tony Patti mix with even Frankie Trumbauer and suchlike e-mail thangs babe!
    Well, it's still a mist though dig, a Tony Patti mist, this and that and what the muck, crap all plastered throughout the lengthy scroll on and on…
19. Let Tony Patti's excessive use of the exclamation point revive the faded enthusiasm of our lost youths!
    Somewhere deep in the stagnant depths of our corroded senses lies a stifled spark of truth and beauty awaiting a star-born spark of inspiration!
20. The Tony Patti e-mail you were expecting has been automatically replaced by this much-improved version created by experts in their fields!
    Those who purport to know have replaced he who can't be relied upon to produce that which can't be improved upon instead of last week's word salad!
21. What could be more appropriate than deleting a Tony Patti e-mail before it pollutes your sinless sight?
    The mere thought of another e-mail from that drunken, scurrilous clown-faced libertine peddler of porn is enough to drive you to despair!
22. The grim reality of deleting yet another Tony Patti e-mail could be more than you can bear this week!
    Nonetheless, we know that scrolling sadly through some bizarre jpegs is better for our mental health than mindlessly rejecting the gifts within!
23. Calm yourself the heck down scrolling through the soothing artwork in the Tony Patti e-mail du jour!
    Tranquility and peace of mind awaits all those who willfully choose to contemplate the infinite in this week's classy selection of blurry jpegs!
24. The Tony Patti e-mail that almost didn't make it overcomes terrific obstacles so you can delete it!
    Back in the ancient days of e-mails, we had to walk 20 miles through deadly heatwaves to hook up to the wifi just to upload a few lo-res gifs!
25. Use your Tony Patti e-mail collection to divine the meanings inherent in the infamous puppitudes!
    As it clearly states in the puppitudes of epistemology, it's all mere studio trickery! Dividing the loaves from the fishes, indeed!
26. Does anybody really know which Tony Patti email this is? Does anybody really care?
    As I was walking down the street one day, a pretty lady looked at me and said the email on her phone was clogged for days and I said:
27. Time for those hazy lazy crazy days of Tony Patti e-mails, floating like fireflies in the night!
    Tiny dots of light blink and flutter in velvet shadows, each magic spark as ephemeral as the blissful giggles of childhood, unexpectedly sublime!
28. Out of all the lousy e-mails in the world, you had to subscribe to Tony Patti's!
    Play it again, Sam! More phony lousy goddam New Yorker mid century nonconformist pseudo-intellectual pictures for my illiterate friends to see!
29. The time has come for us all to delete another Tony Patti e-mail with gleeful malice!
    We can all now hit that delete command as always, giving it a little extra added oomph as we press down just a little too much, malicious and cruel!
30. Stochastic Tony Patti e-mail effusions of random fancies, non sequiturs, jumbles, confusions and surrealistic noise!
    Despite the utterly random images and wisecracks presented in no discernible order in each e-mail, our fiendish brains insist on order and meaning!
31. Intensive research into the socio-sexual predilections of Tony Patti e-mail readers inadvertently unveiled!
    Socio-sexually speaking, we find, as a result of years of intrusive e-mail study, that the so-called "readers" often simply scroll through photos!
32. Will the real Tony Patti please stop sending everybody all these dang e-mails?
    Authenticity is what we demand from our e-mail inbox, right? Truth, virtue, honor and decency! These ersatz e-mails from god only knows who must stop!
33. How holy is Tony Patti gonna get on Holy Week, and is it a sin to delete his emails?
    God will forgive you deleting my e-mails without reading them if you buy five copies of the Jambox EP and distribute them to the blessed poor!
34. The greatest Tony Patti e-mail you ever deleted is now ready for your consideration!
    Triumphant, upstanding, glorious and fervent, at the apogee of worldly endeavors, mighty and wild, free and unrestrained by artificial anxieties!
35. BossMan Patti shows the world what he thinks about everything that they is via e-mail!
    BossMan McGhee is gone kill me when he finds out I been co-opting his mighty nickname when everybody ought to know my name is Professor Lobotomy!
36. Feel the everlasting love of Tony Patti in your heart and soul as you delete yet another e-mail!
    Love me, love my e-mails!
37. The endless display of unmitigated crap continues to pour out of Tony Patti!
    Displaying a rude spectacle of detritus, camp fads, immoral women, dubious artwork, questionable comic panels, and a smattering of respectable stars!
38. The lifespan of a Tony Patti e-mail is inextricably linked to the continuance of your esteem!
    You can print them, archive them, catalog them, encode them, index them, alphabetize them, summarize them, rank them and even delete them!
39. Random thoughts and unplanned images unite in Tony Patti's fevered brain!
    Sloppy surrealism, psychotic reactions, detritus excavated, ideals abandoned, sequiturs unchained, manifestations manipulated, kindnesses returned!
40. Another inspiring spiral into meaninglessness from Tony Patti!
    Meaningful glances and subtle body language and hidden signs and subtle hints and obscure references and obtuse objectifications galore this week!
41. Foisting another inadequate attempt at Tony Patti e-mail entertainment upon my jaded subscribers!
    Inadequate in selection, planning, execution, follow-through, conception, spelling and even basic humanity again this week!
42. The weekly ordeal of deleting another Tony Patti e-mail returns to plague your inbox!
    Your mama is sick of deleting these e-mailses!
43. The eyes of Tony Patti go under the knife tomorrow! Perhaps my last e-mail ever!
    Some random mad doctor has promised to restore my eyesight in a fetid alleyway behind Barnes tomorrow with the blessing of my insurance!
44. What could bring you greater joy than the cruel satisfaction of deleting another Tony Patti email?
    Savor the delicious moment of pressing that delete button as you consign, unread, unloved and unwanted, my message of love to you!
45. Popping the festering boil of suppressed creativity with a NYE e-mail is a Tony Patti tradition!
    Just look at all the danged boils I'm just dying to pop all over the front pages of everybody's reality! It's like it's NYE!
46. Who has time to look at another dumb Tony Patti email at Xmas? Delete! Delete!
    I know you would never delete a precious Tony Patti-crafted email! But your mama would! And your sister would! And your cousin would! So why not?
47. It's the most wonderful time of the year to delete Tony Patti e-mails baby!
    Most of you probably save them in multiple formats all over the place to read over and over and over and over and over and over! Don't you?
48. Tony Patti booster-shot and bedridden, but still emailing like a smother-plumper!
    Like a tucker-bumper! Like a humper-plucker! Like a summer-dumper! Like a gol dang blam it to heck and back sucker-puncher! You know what I mean now!
49. Professional Art Director Tony Patti Turns His Hand to Barely-Tolerated E-Mail Producer!
    Gathering the choicest images from the far corners of the internet, I tirelessly crop and outline and color correct and refine each morsel for you!
50. Timor Mortis Conturbat Me
    - my tribute to RAW, one of my dearest friends who died last week.
51. The Death of an E-Mail: Tony Patti contemplates mortality as his e-mail closes in on 100!
    Can you believe I've made you delete almost 100 e-mails by now? Your fingers must be nearly worn to nubbins! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me!
52. Incomprehensible fidelity in e-mail form: Why is Tony Patti still grinding away?
    Is he sick? Is he deranged? Is he over-friendly? Does he wish to embarrass himself? Is there a cure? Dare we have hope? Can we transcend?
53. There's Never Any Good Reason to Read a Tony Patti Email Instead of Baking Yourself Some Beans!
    Don't even THINK of opening this Email until you have gone to Boston and baked yourself up a mess o'beans! Hear me now?
54. The indescribable made explicit: Tony Patti reveals the unknowable through the unseeable!
55. Apple is gonna trash your Tony Patti e-mail because they need to protect you from harm!
    The free tool I use has the same pixel tricks evil corporations use to destroy your precious privacy! Oh noooooooooooooo!
56. Tony Patti's imaginary legal team wants to warn you of the hazards of these e-mails!
    The party of the first part invokes the party of the second part to ipso facto discovery of a priori contingencies needed for the party of the hearty.
57. Images That Were Painstakingly Researched By Tony Patti's Imaginary Staff!
    Annie O'Connor replied to this one!
58. Nobody blames you for bitching about all the Tony Patti e-mails you've had to delete!
    Nobody blames you for the anguish these e-mails cause! Nobody blames you for the trauma these e-mails inflict!
59. If Tony Patti was a REAL friend this week's e-mail would be more like Bob Reuter used to do!
    Bob Reuter always kept it classy! Bob knew what we liked! Bob gave zero fucks!
60. Does Tony Patti think God himself reads his never-ending e-mails every week?
    God lovers always get upset whenever I even mention the name, atheists, too!!
61. More is never less when Tony Patti slathers the chosen few in chunky e-mail minimalism!
    More more more! How do you like it? How do you like your porn goddess disco emails?
62. It's the new old fashioned way of desperate Tony Patti friendship in email form!
    Yes, I'm a bit of a pest with these data-hungry emails, I admit it, I acquiesce gracefully!
63. Here it is, the last thing you need- another Tony Patti e-mail!
    Eric Thoelke claimed he "laughed out loud" at this one!
64. Tony Patti seen shooting streams of seamless reams of now-forgotten starlit e-mails!
    An oven-bloated, female-toted, charcoal-coated mess, chucking smoking chunks of tar into the ozone, while each grim email surveys the daily meat.
65. Yo mama don't get none those dang Tony Patti e-mails!
    And why should she, seeing how she's not even subscribed! Yo mama could be subscribed if you subscribed her up now!
66. Another dispatch from the gates of hell from your replacement guide, Tony Patti!
    Virgil has been unavoidably detained by Dante once again, as the vortices of time entwine us all in insane complexity!
67. Once again the chosen few are invited to acknowledge the existence of Tony Patti!Howard Jones, Dayan Anderson, Charlie Leonard, Paul Fey and Eric Thoelke replied to this one!
68. The Tony Patti email that refuses to distinguish between gibberish & gobbledy-gook!
    Though it does draw a rigid, deterministic line between jibber-jabber and gimcrackery!
69. It's all ART! Screeches your insane pal Tony Patti into the midnight gloom!
    See this? It's ART! And see that? Art! ART! AAAAAAARRRRRT!
70. We can not, we will not, we must not delete our god-given Tony Patti email!
    Even the most cursory scroll is too enervating to contemplate in this heat!
71. Drift and dream through another Tony Patti email and soothe your soul thereby!
    Don't drift too far, avoid nightmares, and watch that ectoplasm while you're at it!
72. Can Tony Patti mask the essential tragedy of existence with too many exclamation marks?
    Open this email to find out his secrets! So many deep dark secrets!
73. Why bother with e-mail if alls you got to see is some dang Tony Patti e-mail!
74. The Tony Patti email you love to delete, filled with images you'd rather not see!
    The sooner you hit that delete button, the better you'll feel!
75. You are never alone when you have an inbox filled with unread Tony Patti e-mails!
76. "You got another Tony Patti e-mail!" "Again?" "He's never gonna stop!" "I know!"
    "He's crazy to be sending you emails all the time like that!" "He's a real fruit-loop!"
77. Gently, gently comes the change of tone in that Tone-Deaf Tony Patti!
    Tiny or tinny? Teentsy or eensty? You decide! I'm begging ya!
78. Once again the burden of scrolling through a Tony Patti email returns!
79. Give me a proverbial break: The Tony Patti cry for righteousness in a world gone mad!
80. Never say "Never!" to the cascade of Tony Patti emails eating up your bandwidth!
81. If you think you're sick of these Tony Patti emails now, wait til you see this one!
82. Don't call Tony Patti's Purgatory a Paradise all y'all now!
83. Will Tony Patti ever cheer up? Read this week's e-mail and see!
84. Just a basic set of images this week! Tony Patti is terribly depressed!
85. When you can't stand any more betrayals, at least there's a Tony Patti e-mail!
86. Avatar of the greater good (for nothing!) Tony Patti gifts you with invaluable images!
87. It's beginning to look a lot like another dang Tony Patti e-mail!
88. Creating e-mails in mourning: Tony Patti dials it back this week
89. You don't have to say you love Tony Patti's e-mails, he doesn't need MORE attention that badly!
90. It's The New Years Eve Tony Patti E-Mail, Designed To Distract From Dismay!
91. Tony Patti Cynically Pretends This Mass E-Mail Is Equivalent To A Real Xmas Card!
92. Relaxing With The Unmatched Master of Artificial Imitation Everyday Slack, Tony Patti!
93. Tony Patti Seeks to Share Beauty, Art, Kitsch, and Truth This Week!
94. The Inevitable Return of Tony Patti's Ineluctable Modality of Pretension!
95. Indulge Your Senses in the Undeniably Scant Charms of a Tony Patti E-Mail!
96. Scandalous E-Mail from Tony Patti Pushes the Limits of Your Boundaries!
97. If Loving Ya'll Is Wrong, Tony Patti Doesn't Want To Be Right!
98. Tony Patti Attempts Mindless Entertainment to Distract You From Your Bottomless Despair!
99. Emergency Extra E-Mail Edition Solely to ReExamine the Cookbook Joke from Tony Patti!
100. Don't Confuse a Tony Patti E-Mail With The Instant-Graham, Ya'll!
101. Tony Patti Crafts E-Mail Oblivious of the Great Themes of the Human Heart!
102. Words! Words! Words! Tony Patti Won't Strangle You With Words This Week!
103. At last, a return to classicism and decorum for reformed glamor addict Tony Patti!
104. The shriveled remnant of Tony Patti's creative spark dimly seen in these emails!
105. You call this mindless fun? Tony Patti does!
106. Battling Tedium the Tony Patti Way Once Again!
107. World Problems Solved by Tony Patti E-Mail Campaign!
108. Creating an aura of limitless fame with one Tony Patti email a week!
109. Up all night worrying about anything but working on this email again!
110. Never say "Never!" to Tony Patti unless you want to see a grown man cry!
111. It's never enough for the 53% of the 65 subscribers to Tony Patti's emails!
112. Old Faithful Fulfills His Self-Appointed Weekly Quota of Meaningless Imagery!
113. Summertime, and the e-mails are easy, if you're as lazy as Tony Patti!
114. Emails Fly Fast & Furious From the Brains of Tony Patti!
115. Hot! Hot! Hot! Or, the Weather as Seen From Tony Patti's Window!
116. By the Skin of Tony Patti's Teeth Edition!
117. The Limits of Incoherence Explored With Inherent Tony Patti Audacity
118. The Presumption of Tony Patti Has No Bounds Visible to the Critical Eye!
119. "None Of My Distractions Bring Me Peace," Says Tony Patti, In The Words of David Udell
120. Nitwit Notes and Idiotic Images From Your Feckless Friend Tony Patti!
121. Tony Patti Is Still Grimly Hanging On To His Compulsion To Email You!
122. The Irreproachable Musings of Tony Patti Invite the Sophisticated Reproach Of My Friends!
123. Tony Patti Presents: The Indomitable Urge To Create!
124. Inspiration From Improvisation: Tony Patti Pretends to Know What He Can't Rightly Say!
125. Think of a better spring than this, if you can, like Tony Patti says he can!
126. The first Easter e-mail from Tony Patti is a triumph of style over substance!
127. Homebound Art Twit Tony Patti Sends Out Message in an Email Bottle
128. The Pandemic Report: Useless advice from an untrustworthy source, namely Tony Patti
129. Starved for entertainment yet? Here's a feast from Tony Patti!
130. An email from an actual friend with nothing to sell for a change!
131. The emails continue-Tony Patti's carefully curated curiosities of the week
132. The delightful abnegation of Lent begins with Tony Patti!
133. The not-so-grand finale of Snakehips Malone!
134. Will Snakehips ever end? Only your friend Tony Patti knows
135. More Snakehips
136. Snakehips Malone-a comic strip serial
137. Never before heretofore unexplored semaphores
138. The facts of my life revealed for your furtive gaze
139. After xmas special from a guy you actually know
140. The e-mail before X-mas 2019
141. My shameful past unveiled--the HAM pamphlet
142. More images less words
143. I'm sure hard to handle now let me tell y'all
144. More random images from your pal
145. Tony Patti don't send no spam baby!
146. The beauty