My Email Archive

Link to subscribe!

Turmoil, chaos, disruption and fun: the Tony Patti email has a blurry jpeg symbolizing every gleaming facet of the known universal human experience!
You know that Tony Patti email you liked that one time? That you decided to open just for the hell of it? With those images you liked? This is better!
The only Tony Patti email you’ll get this week that has been created using every righteous moral imperative imaginable to improve your immortal soul!
They'll ask if I'm at it again. You'll shrug and say it seems that I am. They'll profess a slight disquietude with the ceaseless regularity of it all!
It's friends against friends again as we turn on each other, powerless and afraid everywhere except in the comforting Tony Patti email exclusion zone!
In this weekly sanctuary against the spector of unchained evil stalking our world we can take what solace we can in blurry jpegs and dumb wise cracks!
The national nightmare is now over! Your Tony Patti email has arrived! Everything is going to be fine! I mean, not great, but, y'know, perfectly fine!
Nothing could be finer than to wake up with a shiner and to open up an email and proceed to gawk at some blurry jpegs from your buddy in the morning!
Special emergency Tony Patti email edition with highly-detailed and specific instructions to facilitate crisis protocols for surviving today's scroll!
Be sure to read every single caption TWICE in order to completely assimilate and decipher the hidden intentions of their superpositions in the scroll!
Remember back when the internet was as fun as a Tony Patti email? When it was simple, easy to get, effortless, friendly, accommodating, wide-ranging?
Presenting the last remaining vestige of the long-lost promise of free internet fun that we never thought would be co-opted by evil corporate greed!
Remember back when the internet was as fun as a Tony Patti email? When it was simple, easy to get, effortless, friendly, accommodating, wide-ranging?
Presenting the last remaining vestige of the long-lost promise of free internet fun that we never thought would be co-opted by evil corporate greed!
Tony Patti threatens to use his email stranglehold to force the entire world to obey his every evil whim or else he will withhold his blurry jpegs!
Millions of starving children the world over beg their parents to give anything to please him and keep the emails coming, even their immortal souls!
We're going to be needing our Tony Patti emails more than ever in the days to come because brainless batshit crazy artsy idiocy is just what we need!
It's not wasting your precious doomscrolling time to enjoy a Tony Patti email, it's actually essential self care for your beleaguered bewildered soul!
You can be certain you need a Tony Patti email whenever you get one because he only sends them when he knows you really got to have it no matter what!
It's all about what you need, when you need it, and what you got to have, when it's time to enjoy it, and it's all so cosmic and intentional and nice!
If you thought last week's email was lousy, wait till you see this one! I've got Pneumonia! I'm hacking my lungs out! I'm gasping for breath! Aaaaack!
You probably think I don't care about you! I'm that stuck-up fancy pants email guy who shows off every week-but why do I do it for you no matter what?
Heard tell they ain't gone be no Tony Patti email this week, so what in the hell you think you looking at then, huh, if not a dang email or something?
It sure as hell ain't no Substack! It sure ain't no freaking Tumblr! It sure ain't up in the clear Blue Sky! There's Faces, but no Books! And zero Xs!
If it weren't for this Tony Patti email, I wouldn't know what the heck was going on in the world today! I get all my news, sports and opinions here!
Providing all your news, sports, current events, celebrity gossip, product placements, events, horoscopes, scientific discoveries, & cultural trends!
You know that unsettling, bewildered, somewhat dazzled feeling a Tony Patti email always gives you? That's how I feel after almost a month in Europe!
After crawling like a summer bug in winter over the vast curvature of the Western Hemisphere, I still have enough strength left to make another email!
Tony Patti never ever never ever NEVER EVER knows whether some gosh-darn reader will open this email or pretend like they don't even know what it is!
In the courteous world of strict manners and rigid codes of conduct, one would be expected not only to read, but to study, to memorize, even to reply!
Which Tony Patti email was this one, anyway? The one with that thing in it? Or that other one with all those things in it? You know the one! That one!
This is the email you remembered from way back when we were still hanging around the corner drugstore whistling at girls and shooting craps out back!
No matter what kind of mood he’s in, or how much his back hurts, Tony Patti keeps pooping out this dang email, despite every obstacle he encounters!
Sniff! Sniff! The internet sure smells funny today! Could it be yet another email stinking up your inbox? Sniff! Get closer! Sniff it! Naw! It's fine!
Never-before-seen Tony Patti email is remarkably similar to previous email, experts agree, testing limits of the patience of even his hard-core fans!
"Is this last week's email, Withnail, my dear fellow?" "Of course not, Wilburforce! It's completely different!" "Is it then?" "Oh quite so!" "Rather!"
The old Tony Patti email thing is still, like, hanging out, you know, man? Like in your inbox? You know? Or probably your spam folder maybe? You know?
Ever feel like you've spent half your life mirthlessly scrolling through my emails, grimly finishing each one, wondering when the madness will stop?
Tony Patti once again presumes to offer up his meager collection of beauty, art, gags and corny captions to my global audience of lovable friends!
Why me? You might ask? Why do I have to have an attention whore friend like TP who forces me to squint at his corny, blurry old jpegs week after week?
Tony Patti, web creator since 1994, calls on his millions of stans, fans, followers, disciples, and acolytes to scroll through yet more email crap!
Wrapping up THIRTY years of creating web pages, images, videos and suchlike ephemera in an attempt to draw attention to stuff you'd rather not see!
It ain't exactly what you'd call viral! The Tony Patti email is less viral than fungal, and less fungal than bacteriologic, & less logical than that!
Ask ANYBODY on your socials! None of 'em are cool enough to subscribe to my email! It's a point of pride for any true fan of the willfully obscure!
Tony Patti turns his drained face to the wall and pulls his threadbare covers to his chin, dreaming of a better place outside the Flow of Time!
How's that for the kind of cheerful, insouciant subject line calculated to draw in hundreds of new screaming fans to my email cult of death? Oh, yeah!
Five years already? Time flies when you're enjoying a weekly Tony Patti email, does it not? But of course it does! That's the idea! Good times fly by!
Over the past five years this email has created a digital legacy that will have internet scholars gasping in bug-eyed awe many centuries from now!
Does it help to know that somewhere, somehow, a Tony Patti party will occur, or does it feed the fires that crispen our hearts and ban hope from home?
Helping those who thrive on hope and wither on despair to avert their weary eyes from all evil and return to the ancient jpgs of the 20th century!
When a Tony Patti email is a-coming 'cross the vale, all the folk and creatures fair shall cry "O-hee oh hi!" and scamper gleefully hither and yonder!
Hundreds of these things would make anybody go a little giddy, and I dare any one of you to deny it! I've gone kookoo baloosas y'all, beyond the pale!
Here's that Tony Patti email that you don't remember ever asking for, better than nothing and even less expensive, from my humble screen to yours!
Economic experts agree: sending out free crap to entertain an indifferent audience is the foundation of every successful internet monopoly ever known!
The Tony Patti email that asks "Is he really even trying anymore?" Featuring random bursts of words calculated to fool you into thinking he might be!
Listen here bub! Of course I'm trying! I'm sitting here bleeding from every pore to come up with something witty, magical, charming and kinda fun!
Chastity, Self-Control and Restraint: How extremes create negativity from virtue, a Tony Patti essay in aphoristic captions of sturdy worth and depth!
They start with something purely good, then they get all these ideas to make it better, then they amplify it to 11, get hysterical & ruin everything!
As the world turns, these are the blurry jpegs of Tony Patti's email! From darkness into day, your friend scours the world for the most puzzling pics!
You know you would hate to have to find all this crazy stuff yourself, I hope! Especially when you have me to do all the tedious grunt work for you!
Sit down, relax, sip the skin off your ice, listen to the cubes gurgle; as Tony Patti takes us on a trip to the stars via an odd assortment of idiocy!
I don't really think y'all READY for some this fine fine superfine nasty old internet jpeg shit tonight but you might as well lookit SOMETHING y'know?
It's your weekly LOVE email from your strangely unlovable friend Tony Patti, who sits up late at night loving his friends with all his rotten heart!
Would you rather be loved, or admired? Would you rather be feared or respected? How about revered? Worshipped and adored or tolerated and ignored?
Does Tony Patti ever try to inspire lofty thoughts of inexpressible splendor, or does he wallow in the spiteful troughs of inelegant despair? Does he?
Hello, world, have I got a hot one for you tonight! Straight from the belly of the monstrous monopoly K-BOOM International, cleared by the FTC & FBI!
The Tony Patti email prepared just for you as an apology for all the email I've sent you over the years without having any real tragic human emotions!
People are going to like my little apology! No, they won't! Well, they ought to! What kind of apology is an email, anyway? Pretty lame. No, it's not!
Aren’t we all getting a little too excited about another phantasmagorical Tony Patti email when we know we’ve seen it all so many many times before?
“Look look made you look made you buy a penny-book” indeed, but nonetheless fascinating, as you shall see if you indulge yourself in a scroll!
Time to calm down, everybody! It's Tony Patti email time, OK? Put aside all the negativity, turn on the joy, and chill out to some blurry old jpgs!
Let the vibes flow thru your tired eyes, and the jpegs will heal you as you scroll! Whatever part of your body it is, just lay it on the email screen.
Tony Patti, of the evil Western conglomerate K-BOOM International, greets his comrades in the great Russian Republic of Mordovia to this week’s email!
How thrilling is it, dear readers, to know that someone somewhere in Mordovia is picking up on the numbskull nonsense I'm throwing down? Pretty cool!
It's the finest hour ever for the Tony Patti email! At last, an email worthy of your notice! The one you've been hoping and praying for at long last!
"Oh my God did you see that one?" "Which one, dear?" "That one in the email, you know." "Well, there are so many!" "You know the one!" "Not that one!"
An important message for you alone is embedded in this week's Tony Patti email, encrypted in symbolic image associations only you can decipher!
Think hard and long as you examine each and every blurry jpeg this week! "He's trying to tell me something" you whisper to yourself, "But what? What?"
Yes, it's one of those Tony Patti emails that makes you wonder if the tired old slob is even really trying anymore, but trying to do what? What? WHAT?
Ring! Ring! "Hello, is my Tony Patti email there?" "Hold on, I'll see!" "Can you check back later? Our staff needs a 20 minute power nap!" "Uhh, OK?"
I just had the greatest idea for a Tony Patti email ever, now if I could just remember it we could start getting somewhere with this cockamamie thing!
This email is just another idea, a vague half-baked afternoon notion, a whimsical whirl of semi-sensical receptacles, such as it is; such as it was!
Your Tony Patti email really ought to require extensive 2-stage account verification protocols in order to add an extra layer of needless security!
If there's one thing that email readers do love, it's not having to answer a dang security question or enter a text code just to see some blurry jpgs!
Close your eyes, take a deep breath, relax your muscles, no, wait, OPEN your eyes, but relax anyway, no wait, darn it! It's your Tony Patti email, OK?
It's the most relaxing break you can possibly take with your eyes wide open and your mouth shut and your screen scrolling like a slot machine jackpot!
Who's ready to go crazy on a darn Tony Patti email like we all did last week? Who's ready for it?
Hold on there pal. Ask yourself, "Am I really ready for it?" and be honest with yourself, for pete's sake. Because you gotta be really really ready!
Let's pause and wonder at the absurdity of Tony Patti sending out 225 of these meaningless emails!
The real meaning of any email from me is the hope that you will get a kick out of at least one crazy image I found on the internet this week, right?
I hope this week's Tony Patti email is relaxing, soothing, gentle and easy on the eyes for a change!
Whenever a Tony Patti email pops up out of nowhere, people tend to get a little worried about whether they'll actually enjoy, ignore or delete it!
Open this week's Tony Patti email to see if it's completely different from any other email you've seen since the last Tony Patti email, just in case!
I get lots of emails. You get lots of emails. Most of them are full of words. Only your weekly Tony Patti email has any possibility to surprise you!
Pictures and words predominate in this extra-special weekly Tony Patti email like you've never seen before in all the vast expanses of time and space!
I've got words! I've got pictures! I've got pizzazz! I've got insight! I've got psychology! I've got nostalgia! I've got ultrasupermodernistic trends!
New! Name this email! Amusing yourself has never been easier! Simply study all the images and name it yourself! Hours of fun! Void where prohibited!
"Name this email!" is (c) 1999 by Professor P. T. Lobotomy, who assumes zero responsibility for any unorthodox names invented by my heterodox pals!
Your weekly Tony Patti email will sit patiently in your inbox, waiting with bated breath for you to open it and devour this magazine of insanity & beauty!
Whaddaya got this week? Hanh? Got you some crazy shit? Hanh? Got you summa dat, what, beauty? Art? A longing for the sublime in poetry and song? Hanh?
Who even has time for a Tony Patti email with nothing in it to inflame your wrath, frustrate your hopes, or simply reinforce the horrors of our world?
You have a choice before you; to read some horrible truths about the despotic millionaires bent on destroying our world, or scrolling thru dumb jpegs!
Lovely little images from the loving mind of your pal Tony Patti, floating by on your slowly scrolling screens; brief, tenuous, scattered like petals!
Why not be honest about the pleasures afforded by my email? Little glimpses of the sublime, the ridiculous, the long-forgotten past, of tiny sparks!
Those who can't do, teach: The Tony Patti comedy method post-structural examination in email form!
Follow the lesson plan closely to see if you, too, can grasp the universal comedic tropes necessary to create guffaws instead of insincere snickers!
Techno-serf Tony Patti obediently creates huge profits for the K-BOOM International email monopolists while receiving exactly no cents for his effort!
You are all with me in tech servitude to the mighty tech monopolies who rule the savage hordes of ignorant instant grammars and suchlike disco vermin!
The immortal Tony Patti email still exists out there somewhere on some server or the other, still hoping to entertain the alien brains of the future!
You know that future alien brains studying the emails of the early 21st century hold my email in higher esteem than my own beloved friends, don't you?
When a certified proven caption-master like Tony Patti sends out a gosh-darn email, the whole universe explodes with joyous choruses of praise for it!
The old caption master is back once again spewing forth witless words that conspire to force a mirthless, obligatory chuckle from your humorless soul!
This week's email is a desperate attempt by faceless bureaucrats to wrest control of your email from your old friend Tony Patti, who fights for you!
Be advised: The so-called Tony Patti email you are about to read may contain images and ideas that are not under the complete control of K-BOOM Inc.!
We need a little email! Right this very minute! A Tony Patti email! Like all the ones you've got before! Yes we need a lovely email! A tiny email now!
Doctor, the patient seems to be slipping away! What should we do? Dammit, Nurse, I'm a doctor, not an emailer. Without a weekly email we are helpless!
The email onslaught of Tony Patti continues to shower the universe with unexpected delights whilst annoying the heck out of my 93 esteemed recipients!
You get emails from apps! Emails to confirm you exist! To acknowledge you got an email! To confirm you acknowledged you confirmed! Emails everywhere!
Fast and bulbous! That's right, Tony Patti! Fast and bulbous! Bulbous also tapered. (Email gonna be like this, huh? Email off the chain you mean!)
OK, as a subject, you might say a half-remembered Captain Beefheart gag is somewhat on the artsy-fartsy side, but that's OK. Let him get away with it!
In the grand scheme of things, can you really afford to skip even one Tony Patti email? Just one email? Then another? Then all of them? Then what? Eh?
You're probably squirming in your seat, turning red with embarrassment, thinking of all the times you just felt like skipping a week, maybe two! HaHA!
Is there any possible way Tony Patti can make these emails better than they already are? Are you out of your ever-loving mind? No fucking way, right?
What could possibly top random scraps of tedious time-wasting bullshit in an endless scroll festooned with witless word salad captions? Not much!
"I hear Tony Patti is still doing that email of his" "Oh really? Hasn't he heard the pandemic is over?" "Him? He's probably still wearing a mask!"
One of the nostalgic pleasures of the ancient past is the email, sent to friends for no discernible financial gain, a relic of yesterday now forgotten!
Tony Patti disproves the sophistries of predestinationism, skewers the presumptions of relativity, and lifts you up on golden wings via weekly email!
Yes, the time has come, at long last, for us to gather together in the dimming light of the faithful email screen and speak of delightful frivolities!
The "Glory Days" of the Tony Patti email: Are they yet to come, or are they far behind us in the easily-forgotten, endlessly distant past?
Now when you speak of these so-called "Glory Days" do you mean halfway decent or impossibly perfect? Good enough for jazz or better than breakfast?
Once again, Tony Patti pretends not to care as long as you pretend you read his email, whether you do so or not!
Oh, I know! I KNOW! I can tell. Don't think that I care one way or another! Why should I? I understand what a chore it is to just glance at an email!
Now is when we need another Tony Patti email more than ever before in the history of the universe, which encompasses all of created time and space!
We need it, they need it, you need it, yes, but do I need it? Couldn't I be doing something more important with my time? Like complaining about stuff?
May Old Tony Patti Emails Be Forgot and Never Brought to Mind? Why not, as long as he keeps cranking out new ones every dang week!
We are, my friends, currently living in what will one day be called the "Golden Age" of Tony Patti emails; the rich summertime of his email ripening!
There's never been any reason to skip a Tony Patti email because there's never been any reason to make one to start with!
When we examine the prime motives for making emails we find an undercurrent of insidious reasons to delete them as soon as we see them!
I can't give you anything but emails, baby, that's the only thing Tony Patti's got plenty of, baby!
I know you were expecting to be showered with cards, letters, gifts, trifles, gee-gaws, and such-but let's face it, you can't count on me for nothing!
The six stages of ascension to a proper Tony Patti email explained in a series of random runaway runamuck images garnished with witless remarks!
Even the neophyte follower of the six ways will be guaranteed benefits such as faster patter, limp hackles, dimpled dreams, and partial party tricks!
Is it another Tony Patti medical emergency or is it yet another deranged email of random pngs & jpegs culled from the darkest corners of the internet?
Symptoms of email-mania may include: Roosterdosis, brothel-panic, Primpiline, plain sisters, Boploposophy, nerves, Windin-so-morica & minor abrasions.
The Thanksgiving edition of the Tony Patti email will demonstrate, once and for all, how easy it is!
Of course the main problem of creating a world class email is not in mocking my own obsessions, but rather in uplifting a generation with random crap!
Today marks the long-awaited virtual launch of the AI-influenced Tony Patti email two point oh oh oh!
You know it's better than the old emails because of all the point oh-oh-oh-oh-ohs! No imaginary numbers were harmed in the production of this email!
Can Tony Patti really see his own email, or is he using AI to generate these hallowed images and captions, and if so, why are they so dang lame?
Tony Patti is so blind he can't even see his images anymore, which is why he uses so many simple comic book images instead of immortal, canonical art!
It's a special Tony Patti email about something somewhere, maybe something Chinese? Maybe? I dunno!
Or maybe Japanese? How about Russian? Or something squiggly, like South Asian? Anything incomprehensible will do, really, for a Tony Patti type email.
Here's a Tony Patti email that really really really tries to be everything an email is supposed to be!
Uhhhngh! Argh! Ah! Ah! AHHH! Ugh-ugh-ugh-uuuuuugh! Ehhhhn-EEHHN! Ah! Oh! Ee! Ah! I-I-I'm tuh-tuh-trying! To put a email ow-ow-OWW-out! I'm trying, OK?
Tony Patti don't make no dumb emails, he makes 'em smart, see? Super smart! And fun, and fast, and…and…
Some people are probably too dumb to know how smart these emails is! They the smartest emails ever! Smarter'n your dumb emails about real stuff, OK?
What kind of Tony Patti email do we have this week? A dumb email! A terribly dumb email! With no redeeming grace whatsoever, except your friendship!
I know it seems to you like you do way too much to maintain our friendship! I know you think you are always doing all the work, while I do nothing!
Are you up for this week's Tony Patti email challenge? Get ready to scroll, glance, skim, and delete!
Using the powerful analytical tools of the technocracy I can see exactly what you love or like by spending endless hours poring over stats and graphs!
The Tony Patti email as a performance of online Branding has been labeled as insufficiently coherent by his corporate overlords, K-BOOM International!
By allowing this email to briefly infect your inbox with toxic corporate failure and the ethos of insufficiency, you hereby agree to our Terms of use!
The new Tony Patti email arrives in your inbox before it is written, in a grand gesture of entangled electromagnetic mindlessness!
You have electrons, I have protons, the world has gravity; and this is the single most quantum email available full of wisecracks for the physicist!
Is this that Tony Patti email you forgot to delete last week or is it that one you forgot to delete two years ago or that one you wanted to keep?
Better go ahead and scrutinize this email closely just in case you were "saving it for later" or something important like that, you never ever know!
The reboot continues: Scientific insights into the socioeconomic benefits of the Tony Patti electromagnetically-transmitted "email" explained!
As we all know, Tony Patti has studied all the many branches of science, especially the physical sciences, and is overqualified to satisfy your needs!
Soothe your over-stressed brain with Tony Patti's latest email reboot that eliminates every trace of insecurity and desperation!
The only email in your inbox you'll never need has once again changed absolutely everything you loved about it to bland, inoffensive nondescript crap!
Brace yourself for the latest ultra-aggressive onslaught of Tony Patti's manipulative whatsoever may it be!
Critics agree! These emails are aggressively non-passive! Nightmarish fantasies of control! A blight upon your innocent inbox! Void where prohibited!
Your weekly email has arrived, OK, but which one is the Tony Patti email you've longed for so deeply?
Is this really that Tony Patti email you've been craving for days and days, or is it some fiendishly clever ruse sent to you by your fiendish enemies?
We're going to keep sending you Tony Patti emails if somebody doesn't do something drastic very soon!
Just how drastic does it have to get before the constant emailing is finally at an end? Aren't things drastic enough yet? Is drastic even a real word?
Wait a minute- is this the Tony Patti email you forgot to delete last week, or is this the new one?
You thought you already deleted last week, but this week looks like last week's and last week's was supposed to be-hell, just delete them all! Ha! Ha!
Your pal Tony Patti apologizes for the recent emails from my not-so brilliant team of unpaid interns!
The executive suites at K-BOOM International reverberated with the haunting chants of "I'm sorry boss! I'm sorry!" as the punishments were handed out!
The love explosion that is a Tony Patti email is yours to contemplate should you choose to open it!
Because your pal is bursting with brotherly LOVE for all the sisters and the brothers who wish me well as he wishes them well, sans sarcasm or malice!
Curate another email or die trying: Tony Patti gets all dramatic about dying whenever he sends an email!
Don't ask me where is thy sting, because I really don't wanna know! Plus, to be perfectly honest, death stinks! First the sting, then the stank! OK?
The Tony Patti email that we think is about nothing addresses the most profound issues of them all!
I know what you're thinking! "Fuck that! I don't wanna address any profound issues!" But is that wisdom? Aren't we here to improve ourselves? Come on!
Help! Tony Patti's annoying email has fallen down dead drunk on the floor and callin’ it a party!
Callin' it a jam! Callin' it a good time, slapping reddened hands! Cruising to the East Side, riding on the roof, never acting bullet proof Woof-Woof!
How many Tony Patti email subject lines can he delete before giving up and just going with this one?
You can't assign some arbitrary number to all the many revisions, additions, rephrasing, second-guessing, dithering & uncertainty that goes into this!
You'll never be able to distinguish this Tony Patti email from all the others you've already deleted!
Think you've got a good memory? Think you're the top Tony Patti email scholar that ever breathed? Then tell me, prithee, where you've seen this one!
Nobody gets more useless unsolicited lifestyle advice than the 84 subscribers to Tony Patti's email!
Not that all 84 of you actually bother to open this email! But we prefer to think most of you just have tech troubles or something like that!
Compliance with K-BOOM international corporate guidelines starts with a compliant audience, people!
I comply! The lawyers comply! The po-lice comply! The decent, law-abiding masses comply! Heck, even your mama has complied once or twice, you know?
You know what this here Tony Patti email OUGHT to be about? I'll tell ya now, just shut up, OK? OK?
Now listen here now first, we gotta now listen here we just got to now, will you shut up? We just got to, I'm trying to say now, OK, now please! OK?
Some off-the-cuff remarks from Tony Patti on the occasion of the 170th email for your pleasure!
Unprepared as I am for this honor, I shall nonetheless endeavor to enlighten and inspire my chosen audience with a few gems of my dwindling intellect!
The fundamental problem with your typical Tony Patti email is that it conceals more than it reveals!
Just think of how wild and uninhibited these emails would be if they took you on a dark journey through the stygian depths of his unconscious instead!
Timing is everything when you scroll through a Tony Patti email at three times the speed of light!
Watch those photons flash from your screen to your eyeballs so slowly that they look like they're moving backwards as you scroll as fast as you can!
Let's just go ahead and look at this Tony Patti email and see if we can make heads or tails of it!
Near as we can tell is that it seems to be a whole bunch of nothing with a few oddball images thrown in to give the illusion of taste and distinction.
Is Tony Patti's email in your top ten list of free emails what don't try to sell nothin anyway? Huh?
Not that I'm not TRYING to sell you something, I am, everybody does I guess, but what am trying to sell and where's your friend coupon, your discount?
Education or entertainment? Knowledge or absurdity? Reality or fantasy? Tony Patti sure don't know!
"Did you see this week's Tony Patti email, darling?" "No I did not, twinkle-toes!" "Neither did I!"
"Shall you be looking at it anytime soon, my frosty little whip-it?" "I dare say not, you scrumptious poozle-pudding, you!" "My dear pearl!" "Ha-ha!"
Everything you never wanted to see surrounded by wisecracks Tony Patti never wanted to write anyway!
There are those who espouse the ease of deleting extraneous emails and those who prefer to unsubscribe with a devastating critique: which are you?
Kids these days just don't know how to make decent emails like Tony Patti used to make, dag gum it!
You know what else kids these days can't do? They can't read, they can't write, and they sure as hell ain't doing no arithmetic neither now are they?
The KBOOM email that you thought was operationed by Tony Patti has operationalized it's commitments!
After careful review by the board of directors of KBOOM International, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Loopholios Charities, changes will be implemented!
Is it really yet another Tony Patti email, or something concocted by legions of foreign hackers?
Digital networks around the world combine to devise this clever artificial imitation email in order to weasel their way into your inbox to be instantly deleted!
Tony Patti indulges his creative obsessions in a rampant display of uninhibited idiosyncrasies!
As has become obvious to anyone who deigns to take notice or care even a little bit, I have reached the enviable stage of not giving a single shit!
Tony Patti email goes pro: New team brought in to bring back the glory days of yore you once knew!
Though of course, being on a fixed income, Mr. Patti himself will be forced to fabricate the entire team wholly out of his own enfeebled brain!
Your friend Tony Patti emails you with a light-hearted look at the profundity of Good vs. Evil!
It's a laugh a minute as you scroll through year four of the unhinged ravings of your mad genius friend who nobody really understands, even his cat!
More imagery, less bullshit: it's the Tony Patti email promise that was made to be always broken!
You may not know it but there are promises broken, promises bent, promises forgotten and promises that probably should never been made in email form!
Fan or friend? Tony Patti examines in minute detail the various aspects of our co-dependencies!
You probably think I'm your friend, but does that word convey the passionat= e attachment between us as concisely as the more nuanced appellation fan?
A revolutionary Tony Patti email unlike any email sent to you by me from the dawn of email itself!
Never-before-seen concepts, artwork, oddities, foolishness, shenanigans and wholesome frolics of a kind unique to your old friend Anthony J Patti, Jr!
The Paucity of Tony Patti email Prose follows strict Paradigms of Prolixity to ensure higher standards in conversational English!
To be perfectly blunt, we're snipping and cutting and throwing out adjectives and trimming up the latinate phrases and cutting down on the cuteness!
Staggering on the precipice of the year of our email 2023, Tony Patti chokes back tears of gratitude for your gracious attention!
Tears that flow like the downward rushing torrents of the mighty Mississippi itself, carving out a new country with every errant bend and eddy!
Give yourself a Christmas break from the burden of a Tony Patti email by simply deleting it!
You gotta buy presents! You gotta ask for presents! You gotta clean the house! You gotta cook the Xmas goose! But you don't gotta read my dang email!
No matter how many Tony Patti emails you read, you still have no idea what the heck he thinks he's doing!
You can be sure what he's NOT doing at least: He's not being cool, not being a geek, not pretending to be smart, and not making any sense at all!
Your weekly Tony Patti email therapy session just wants to know how it makes you feel to delete it?
Tell us more about these delicious urges to delete the Tony Patti emails, OK, darling? To delete his insignificant email, before you even read it?
In these times of tech chaos & social media upheaval, a simple email like Tony Patti's seems quaint!
The scientists of the late 20th century looked at their networks, their typewriters, and then looked at each other and foresaw Tony Patti's needs!
Take a well-deserved break from Tony Patti email nonsense to celebrate Thanksgiving!
"He didn't send a dang email this week, did he?" "Of course he did! He has no life!" "Remember when he wasn't so pathetic?" "Yeah-- wait! Not really!"
Tony Patti's constant cries for your replies reaches a fever pitch of insistence in the face of your cold indifference!
Those of you who have replied will react with instant annoyance, those of you who who haven't will only feel cruel satisfaction, the rest will delete!
You'll never get back the hundreds of minutes you spent reading these damned Tony Patti emails, and neither shall I!
Minutes pass, time dwindles, extinction looms, the world collapses, efforts misspent, remedies fail, good intentions wasted, procrastination wins!
64 summers have come and gone, yet your friend Tony Patti still thinks he has something worthwhile to say!
I'm not saying whatever I got to say is worthwhile as long as I can get away with spewing worthless words in random order instead!
"Ya know what I think?" "Whut?" "These Tony Patti emails are nothing but thinly-disguised poetry!" "What now?" "Poetry!" "Sheeee-it!"
I think that I shall never see/A poem as lovely as a pucker-thumping old Tony Patti email full of lame wisecracks and semi-pornographic pictures!
The Tony Patti email of the week comes back better than ever and raring to go, daring you to delete it before you even read it!
You see the subject line and think, "Comes back? From WHAT? Alls I ever do every week is delete and delete, and I ain't never had a break from it!"
No greater email shall ever come to plague your cluttered inbox than Tony Patti's triumphant screed!
Somewhere down in your inbox among an endless list of marketing scams, junk, chain letters, spurious warnings, licentious spam and suchlike crap you'll find me!
The greatest Tony Patti e-mail of all time that seems exactly like every other email you've had to delete!
Sniff! Smells like the same old email! Lick! Tastes like the same old email! Stomp! Smashes like the same old email! Why, it IS the same old email!
Did you hear the one about the Tony Patti email that got deleted? No! Yeah, they just kept scrolling until the universe ended! Really!
All that scrolling totally destroyed the entire universe and reduced all of reality to chaotic fragments of electromagnetic vibrations or something!
Desperately cling to the memories of long ago Tony Patti e-mails of the past as you swiftly delete this one!
Wallow in neurotic nostalgia for the e-mails your old pal once crafted with great care and a discerning eye as you sadly delete this disappointment!
Now comes the inexorable grind of deleting yet another soul-destroying Tony Patti howl via the e-mail abyss!
I've seen the e-mail abyss, friends, and let me tell you, it is not pretty, not like the dear old e-mail abysses of yesteryear, when we was young!
Hic labor, hoc opus est, or as your buddy Tony Patti says it, this is the work, this is the e-mail!
Just ask my college-girl daughter Tess about any Latin or (god forbid) Greek quotations that may find their way into the e-mail this week!
The one Tony Patti e-mail you'll ever see without some bizarre, twisted subject line this week!
The readers have spoken, and they have all come out against purple prose smeared all over their tidy inboxes, because obscurantism is for the birds!
A rare lapse into mere topical commentary makes this Tony Patti e-mail destined for deletion!
Personal musings on major life events make this e-mail the one you'll most likely delete without even so much as a withering glance of disdain!
Tony Patti e-mail mind control campaign wildly successful, my hordes of brainwashed minions all say!
Repeat after me: I am not the brainwashed minion of an email, I am not being controlled by voiceless images selected by a mad half-blind genius!
Tony Patti reimagines his dumb e-mail as something more fresh and compelling, like Lifestyle advice!
With quizzes, games, trivia, gossip, Hollywood stars, listicles, slideshows, pop-up video boxes that get bigger when you try to click the tiny X, etc!
What further proof do you ask of the love of Tony Patti who sends you emails and replies to your thoughtful replies!
Perhaps you require further proof of my lifelong affections, challenge my sincerity, tarnish my good name, and cast doubt upon me!
"In Amidst," the new Bix Tony Patti mix with even Frankie Trumbauer and suchlike e-mail thangs babe!
Well, it's still a mist though dig, a Tony Patti mist, this and that and what the muck, crap all plastered throughout the lengthy scroll on and on…
Let Tony Patti's excessive use of the exclamation point revive the faded enthusiasm of our lost youths!
Somewhere deep in the stagnant depths of our corroded senses lies a stifled spark of truth and beauty awaiting a star-born spark of inspiration!
The Tony Patti e-mail you were expecting has been automatically replaced by this much-improved version created by experts in their fields!
Those who purport to know have replaced he who can't be relied upon to produce that which can't be improved upon instead of last week's word salad!
What could be more appropriate than deleting a Tony Patti e-mail before it pollutes your sinless sight?
The mere thought of another e-mail from that drunken, scurrilous clown-faced libertine peddler of porn is enough to drive you to despair!
The grim reality of deleting yet another Tony Patti e-mail could be more than you can bear this week!
Nonetheless, we know that scrolling sadly through some bizarre jpegs is better for our mental health than mindlessly rejecting the gifts within!
Calm yourself the heck down scrolling through the soothing artwork in the Tony Patti e-mail du jour!
Tranquility and peace of mind awaits all those who willfully choose to contemplate the infinite in this week's classy selection of blurry jpegs!
The Tony Patti e-mail that almost didn't make it overcomes terrific obstacles so you can delete it!
Back in the ancient days of e-mails, we had to walk 20 miles through deadly heatwaves to hook up to the wifi just to upload a few lo-res gifs!
Use your Tony Patti e-mail collection to divine the meanings inherent in the infamous puppitudes!
As it clearly states in the puppitudes of epistemology, it's all mere studio trickery! Dividing the loaves from the fishes, indeed!
Does anybody really know which Tony Patti email this is? Does anybody really care?
As I was walking down the street one day, a pretty lady looked at me and said the email on her phone was clogged for days and I said:
Time for those hazy lazy crazy days of Tony Patti e-mails, floating like fireflies in the night!
Tiny dots of light blink and flutter in velvet shadows, each magic spark as ephemeral as the blissful giggles of childhood, unexpectedly sublime!
Out of all the lousy e-mails in the world, you had to subscribe to Tony Patti's!
Play it again, Sam! More phony lousy goddam New Yorker mid century nonconformist pseudo-intellectual pictures for my illiterate friends to see!
The time has come for us all to delete another Tony Patti e-mail with gleeful malice!
We can all now hit that delete command as always, giving it a little extra added oomph as we press down just a little too much, malicious and cruel!
Stochastic Tony Patti e-mail effusions of random fancies, non sequiturs, jumbles, confusions and surrealistic noise!
Despite the utterly random images and wisecracks presented in no discernible order in each e-mail, our fiendish brains insist on order and meaning!
Intensive research into the socio-sexual predilections of Tony Patti e-mail readers inadvertently unveiled!
Socio-sexually speaking, we find, as a result of years of intrusive e-mail study, that the so-called "readers" often simply scroll through photos!
Will the real Tony Patti please stop sending everybody all these dang e-mails?
Authenticity is what we demand from our e-mail inbox, right? Truth, virtue, honor and decency! These ersatz e-mails from god only knows who must stop!
How holy is Tony Patti gonna get on Holy Week, and is it a sin to delete his emails?
God will forgive you deleting my e-mails without reading them if you buy five copies of the Jambox EP and distribute them to the blessed poor!
The greatest Tony Patti e-mail you ever deleted is now ready for your consideration!
Triumphant, upstanding, glorious and fervent, at the apogee of worldly endeavors, mighty and wild, free and unrestrained by artificial anxieties!
BossMan Patti shows the world what he thinks about everything that they is via e-mail!
BossMan McGhee is gone kill me when he finds out I been co-opting his mighty nickname when everybody ought to know my name is Professor Lobotomy!
Feel the everlasting love of Tony Patti in your heart and soul as you delete yet another e-mail!
Love me, love my e-mails!
The endless display of unmitigated crap continues to pour out of Tony Patti!
Displaying a rude spectacle of detritus, camp fads, immoral women, dubious artwork, questionable comic panels, and a smattering of respectable stars!
The lifespan of a Tony Patti e-mail is inextricably linked to the continuance of your esteem!
You can print them, archive them, catalog them, encode them, index them, alphabetize them, summarize them, rank them and even delete them!
Random thoughts and unplanned images unite in Tony Patti's fevered brain!
Sloppy surrealism, psychotic reactions, detritus excavated, ideals abandoned, sequiturs unchained, manifestations manipulated, kindnesses returned!
Another inspiring spiral into meaninglessness from Tony Patti!
Meaningful glances and subtle body language and hidden signs and subtle hints and obscure references and obtuse objectifications galore this week!
Foisting another inadequate attempt at Tony Patti e-mail entertainment upon my jaded subscribers!
Inadequate in selection, planning, execution, follow-through, conception, spelling and even basic humanity again this week!
Ho-Hum! Snow all over and another Tony Patti e-mail? Think I'll go back to bed!
Why even bother looking? Dragging your enervated eyeballs over the low-res jpegs and pngs seems like far too much work for a winter's day!
The weekly ordeal of deleting another Tony Patti e-mail returns to plague your inbox!
Your mama is sick of deleting these e-mailses!
The eyes of Tony Patti go under the knife tomorrow! Perhaps my last e-mail ever!
Some random mad doctor has promised to restore my eyesight in a fetid alleyway behind Barnes tomorrow with the blessing of my insurance!
What could bring you greater joy than the cruel satisfaction of deleting another Tony Patti email?
Savor the delicious moment of pressing that delete button as you consign, unread, unloved and unwanted, my message of love to you!
Popping the festering boil of suppressed creativity with a NYE e-mail is a Tony Patti tradition!
Just look at all the danged boils I'm just dying to pop all over the front pages of everybody's reality! It's like it's NYE!
Who has time to look at another dumb Tony Patti email at Xmas? Delete! Delete!
I know you would never delete a precious Tony Patti-crafted email! But your mama would! And your sister would! And your cousin would! So why not?
It's the most wonderful time of the year to delete Tony Patti e-mails baby!
Most of you probably save them in multiple formats all over the place to read over and over and over and over and over and over! Don't you?
Tony Patti booster-shot and bedridden, but still emailing like a smother-plumper!
Like a tucker-bumper! Like a humper-plucker! Like a summer-dumper! Like a gol dang blam it to heck and back sucker-puncher! You know what I mean now!
Professional Art Director Tony Patti Turns His Hand to Barely-Tolerated E-Mail Producer!
Gathering the choicest images from the far corners of the internet, I tirelessly crop and outline and color correct and refine each morsel for you!
Timor Mortis Conturbat Me
- my tribute to RAW, one of my dearest friends who died last week.
The Death of an E-Mail: Tony Patti contemplates mortality as his e-mail closes in on 100!
Can you believe I've made you delete almost 100 e-mails by now? Your fingers must be nearly worn to nubbins! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me!
Incomprehensible fidelity in e-mail form: Why is Tony Patti still grinding away?
Is he sick? Is he deranged? Is he over-friendly? Does he wish to embarrass himself? Is there a cure? Dare we have hope? Can we transcend?
There's Never Any Good Reason to Read a Tony Patti Email Instead of Baking Yourself Some Beans!
Don't even THINK of opening this Email until you have gone to Boston and baked yourself up a mess o'beans! Hear me now?
The indescribable made explicit: Tony Patti reveals the unknowable through the unseeable!
Apple is gonna trash your Tony Patti e-mail because they need to protect you from harm!
The free tool I use has the same pixel tricks evil corporations use to destroy your precious privacy! Oh noooooooooooooo!
Tony Patti's imaginary legal team wants to warn you of the hazards of these e-mails!
The party of the first part invokes the party of the second part to ipso facto discovery of a priori contingencies needed for the party of the hearty.
Images That Were Painstakingly Researched By Tony Patti's Imaginary Staff!
Annie O'Connor replied to this one!
Nobody blames you for bitching about all the Tony Patti e-mails you've had to delete!
Nobody blames you for the anguish these e-mails cause! Nobody blames you for the trauma these e-mails inflict!
If Tony Patti was a REAL friend this week's e-mail would be more like Bob Reuter used to do!
Bob Reuter always kept it classy! Bob knew what we liked! Bob gave zero fucks!
Does Tony Patti think God himself reads his never-ending e-mails every week?
God lovers always get upset whenever I even mention the name, atheists, too!!
More is never less when Tony Patti slathers the chosen few in chunky e-mail minimalism!
More more more! How do you like it? How do you like your porn goddess disco emails?
It's the new old fashioned way of desperate Tony Patti friendship in email form!
Yes, I'm a bit of a pest with these data-hungry emails, I admit it, I acquiesce gracefully!
Here it is, the last thing you need- another Tony Patti e-mail!
Eric Thoelke claimed he "laughed out loud" at this one!
Tony Patti seen shooting streams of seamless reams of now-forgotten starlit e-mails!
An oven-bloated, female-toted, charcoal-coated mess, chucking smoking chunks of tar into the ozone, while each grim email surveys the daily meat.
Yo mama don't get none those dang Tony Patti e-mails!
And why should she, seeing how she's not even subscribed! Yo mama could be subscribed if you subscribed her up now!
Another dispatch from the gates of hell from your replacement guide, Tony Patti!
Virgil has been unavoidably detained by Dante once again, as the vortices of time entwine us all in insane complexity!
Once again the chosen few are invited to acknowledge the existence of Tony Patti!Howard Jones, Dayan Anderson, Charlie Leonard, Paul Fey and Eric Thoelke replied to this one!
The Tony Patti email that refuses to distinguish between gibberish & gobbledy-gook!
Though it does draw a rigid, deterministic line between jibber-jabber and gimcrackery!
It's all ART! Screeches your insane pal Tony Patti into the midnight gloom!
See this? It's ART! And see that? Art! ART! AAAAAAARRRRRT!
We can not, we will not, we must not delete our god-given Tony Patti email!
Even the most cursory scroll is too enervating to contemplate in this heat!
Drift and dream through another Tony Patti email and soothe your soul thereby!
Don't drift too far, avoid nightmares, and watch that ectoplasm while you're at it!
Can Tony Patti mask the essential tragedy of existence with too many exclamation marks?
Open this email to find out his secrets! So many deep dark secrets!
Why bother with e-mail if alls you got to see is some dang Tony Patti e-mail!
The Tony Patti email you love to delete, filled with images you'd rather not see!
The sooner you hit that delete button, the better you'll feel!
You are never alone when you have an inbox filled with unread Tony Patti e-mails!
"You got another Tony Patti e-mail!" "Again?" "He's never gonna stop!" "I know!"
"He's crazy to be sending you emails all the time like that!" "He's a real fruit-loop!"
Gently, gently comes the change of tone in that Tone-Deaf Tony Patti!
Tiny or tinny? Teentsy or eensty? You decide! I'm begging ya!
Once again the burden of scrolling through a Tony Patti email returns!
Give me a proverbial break: The Tony Patti cry for righteousness in a world gone mad!
Never say "Never!" to the cascade of Tony Patti emails eating up your bandwidth!
If you think you're sick of these Tony Patti emails now, wait til you see this one!
Don't call Tony Patti's Purgatory a Paradise all y'all now!
Will Tony Patti ever cheer up? Read this week's e-mail and see!
Just a basic set of images this week! Tony Patti is terribly depressed!
When you can't stand any more betrayals, at least there's a Tony Patti e-mail!
Avatar of the greater good (for nothing!) Tony Patti gifts you with invaluable images!
It's beginning to look a lot like another dang Tony Patti e-mail!
Creating e-mails in mourning: Tony Patti dials it back this week
You don't have to say you love Tony Patti's e-mails, he doesn't need MORE attention that badly!
It's The New Years Eve Tony Patti E-Mail, Designed To Distract From Dismay!
Tony Patti Cynically Pretends This Mass E-Mail Is Equivalent To A Real Xmas Card!
Relaxing With The Unmatched Master of Artificial Imitation Everyday Slack, Tony Patti!
Tony Patti Seeks to Share Beauty, Art, Kitsch, and Truth This Week!
The Inevitable Return of Tony Patti's Ineluctable Modality of Pretension!
Indulge Your Senses in the Undeniably Scant Charms of a Tony Patti E-Mail!
Scandalous E-Mail from Tony Patti Pushes the Limits of Your Boundaries!
If Loving Ya'll Is Wrong, Tony Patti Doesn't Want To Be Right!
Tony Patti Attempts Mindless Entertainment to Distract You From Your Bottomless Despair!
Emergency Extra E-Mail Edition Solely to ReExamine the Cookbook Joke from Tony Patti!
Don't Confuse a Tony Patti E-Mail With The Instant-Graham, Ya'll!
Tony Patti Crafts E-Mail Oblivious of the Great Themes of the Human Heart!
Words! Words! Words! Tony Patti Won't Strangle You With Words This Week!
At last, a return to classicism and decorum for reformed glamor addict Tony Patti!
The shriveled remnant of Tony Patti's creative spark dimly seen in these emails!
You call this mindless fun? Tony Patti does!
Battling Tedium the Tony Patti Way Once Again!
World Problems Solved by Tony Patti E-Mail Campaign!
Creating an aura of limitless fame with one Tony Patti email a week!
Up all night worrying about anything but working on this email again!
Never say "Never!" to Tony Patti unless you want to see a grown man cry!
It's never enough for the 53% of the 65 subscribers to Tony Patti's emails!
Old Faithful Fulfills His Self-Appointed Weekly Quota of Meaningless Imagery!
Summertime, and the e-mails are easy, if you're as lazy as Tony Patti!
Emails Fly Fast & Furious From the Brains of Tony Patti!
Hot! Hot! Hot! Or, the Weather as Seen From Tony Patti's Window!
By the Skin of Tony Patti's Teeth Edition!
The Limits of Incoherence Explored With Inherent Tony Patti Audacity
The Presumption of Tony Patti Has No Bounds Visible to the Critical Eye!
"None Of My Distractions Bring Me Peace," Says Tony Patti, In The Words of David Udell
Nitwit Notes and Idiotic Images From Your Feckless Friend Tony Patti!
Tony Patti Is Still Grimly Hanging On To His Compulsion To Email You!
The Irreproachable Musings of Tony Patti Invite the Sophisticated Reproach Of My Friends!
Tony Patti Presents: The Indomitable Urge To Create!
Inspiration From Improvisation: Tony Patti Pretends to Know What He Can't Rightly Say!
Think of a better spring than this, if you can, like Tony Patti says he can!
The first Easter e-mail from Tony Patti is a triumph of style over substance!
Homebound Art Twit Tony Patti Sends Out Message in an Email Bottle
The Pandemic Report: Useless advice from an untrustworthy source, namely Tony Patti
Starved for entertainment yet? Here's a feast from Tony Patti!
An email from an actual friend with nothing to sell for a change!
The emails continue-Tony Patti's carefully curated curiosities of the week
The delightful abnegation of Lent begins with Tony Patti!
The not-so-grand finale of Snakehips Malone!
Will Snakehips ever end? Only your friend Tony Patti knows
More Snakehips
Snakehips Malone-a comic strip serial
Never before heretofore unexplored semaphores
The facts of my life revealed for your furtive gaze
After xmas special from a guy you actually know
The e-mail before X-mas 2019
My shameful past unveiled--the HAM pamphlet
More images less words
I'm sure hard to handle now let me tell y'all
More random images from your pal
Tony Patti don't send no spam baby!
The beauty